Birds are soooo full of shit.

Literally. There's been this mynar that has been using my kitchen as its toilet and everytime it flies in, it freaks me out. Big time. I mean, why does that stupid bird have to come into my kitchen to SHIT!?!?! There are like soooo many other units in this block with their windows wide open and yet that phucking bird has to choose this window. Argh! I've kinda lost count as the number of times I come into the kitchen and shriek: AH!! BIRD! BIRD! BIRD!!BIRDBIRDBIRD BBBBIIIIRRRRRDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FUCKING BIRD IS IN THE KITCHEN!

By that, the bird will sense that someone is in the house and fly out. So to prevent the bird from flying into the kitchen and to save myself from cleaning up after it has shitted on the kitchen counter, I close the window. Whenever I'm home, I close the window.

That simple. Problem solved. But today, cause it was soooo stupidly hot, I left the window slightly open, and by slightly, I mean SLIGHTLY. There was a gap of about an inch for air and if you were me, you'd probably think that that gap was small enough so that bloody birds with bowel problems would not be able to get in. Right? (Humour me)

So sitting in the living room I was, studying for the Art History test tmr (I know, I feel like a good girl too. Don't have to tell me. haha) and when I heard a sound, I looked up and guess what I saw?

THE FUCKING BIRD WAS IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!

THE BIRD IS IN THE KITCHEN!!!!

BBBBBIIIIIIIRRRRRRRDDDDDDD..... KITCHEN!!!

How the hell did the bird get in I would also like to know. With a one inch gap the bird managed to get in by what means I do not know. But you know animals are like that? They know how to get in they don't know how to get out? (kinda like lizards) Yup!

Can mynars please don't be so smart?

So there I was shocked and cursing and yelling at the bird to get out and there the bird was going in full frenzy at seeing a human being making loud sounds and waving her arms around. It started to FLY around and flap and beat its pathatic wings to scare me. It did a good job at that cause it seriously got me freaked out. I mean, what if that thing flew at me and started attacking me? What if it flew into my face and shat in my mouth?

I bailed before the bird could do anymore and called my mum. I was in panic, Mr. shitty-arse mynar was in FULL BLOWN panic. It started hopping and flapping and shitting. Did you know that birds shit when they panic? Did you know that mynars are soo full of shit I was amazed at the amount of shit I found on the counter? I mean, the amount of shit could be used as a weapon lah! Scare me and I'll shit on you.

FULL FORCE AHEAD!

FIRE AT WILL!

AIM!

FIRE!

You don't see humans shitting when men with beards throw atomic bombs at us do you? And so there I was freaking out to my mum on the phone and there was the bird freaking and shitting until I don't know how but it suddenly got the common sense to fly to the window and out. Sheesh. I HATE BIRDS! I HATE ANYTHING THAT HAS BOWEL PROBLEMS AND SHIT RANDOMLY! Thank god I didn't have to go open the window wide enough for it to fly out if not I'd die. Really. Naturally, cleaning up was gross so lesson learnt. Even if it kills me and I suffocate to death, I'm never opening the kitchen window ever again.

I think I have birdwithshittyproblemaphobia.
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